You're not wanted here.

Having prioritized my depression stats I find that my once thriving business that is now for all practical purposes non existent, it's THAT, that will be my final nail. Having thought of everything possible and tried so many things, to be sitting here doing nothing is what is destroying my spirit.So many colleagues worked the social network while I was going from one job to another sometimes 3 or 4 in a single day. My downfall was being so busy I didn't see the value or have the time to work people like they did. So while I sit here with no jobs, no emails, no calls, nothing, they are working and working and living. For a man like me, work = life. No work = death. In my head I know it's only a matter of time till I decide it's going to be this day, or tomorrow that I will no longer take up space in a world that for all of my life has told me on a number of levels, you're not wanted here-

Death of Spirit.

The last to go. The one thing you need very little of, but when you need it most and it isn't there, you are indeed in the process of death. If one were near their last breath the only thing that could make that time easier to go through and possibly help you recover if your cards would play out that way is spirit. As I sit and dissolved into sadness I remember when times were worth living through and my spirit was unstoppable. The hole in my soul from being left behind is a dark and lonely place. I slept today till 4pm and never left the house except to go to the mailbox. Not wanting to make eye contact with another soul I checked both directions and all my neighbors were "safely," out of site. All of 2 minutes outside and it was unpleasant, embarrassing, and painful. I look in my eyes in the mirror and I can see why no one would ever want to be anywhere near me. Pain, sadness, and misery looks to the untrained eye like anger and fear. I want to get all my things in order. Make things as easy as possible to be gone through and sorted out. It's the very least I can do when surely some will accuse me of being selfish right up to the very end. I wonder how long after I'm gone will people stop accusing me of things and just let my soul rest.

When the last has gone and there is nothing left.

In retrospect one can recall when family wasn't there, friends didn't exist, relationships never materialized, but there was the one thing at least for me that saved my life over and over and over again. When weekends came and I was all alone while others went out to parties, and to be together there this one thing was that I could always look forward to. Work. I always had a job.A place where I would go to do what I trained myself to do and do it better than anyone else because I knew I had to. A job. My malady of people shunning, isolating, making my life hell, followed me here too. So I worked harder than most. I did better than anyone because I had to. I would be the first to arrive, and the last to leave almost every job I ever had. I remember I would work late and pass groups of people in the parking lots who were having a beer, and socializing while I went home as fast as I could to be alone. Now that is gone too. No work. No job. No income. No hope. Little life in my eyes yet to go away. There is truly nothing left except my questions to myself of just how long will I go on like this. What is left to take from me. Why is this all happening to me. If this is a test I'm waving the white flag. How pathetic that I sit here writing to no one about no one living a life that is dead. I continue to know that when I'm gone no one will care, no one will wonder, no one will think twice and no one will come to my funeral. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. When can I go without causing pain to my mom. Screw everyone else. I'm ready.

What people might say when you're gone-

I'm slipping again. The darkness surrounds me. The smell of finality is near. What will those who really do love me say when I'm gone. I'm trying to hold on to something but I don't know what-

"well I just didn't know things were so bad for him."

"I guess I should have seen the signs."

"you know I often wondered if he was alone on holidays. Maybe I should have asked..."

"he always seemed so distant- I just thought he didn't like anyone."

"there was something just odd about this guy."

As I scream from beyond, it was YOU who made me feel the way I did- It was YOU who isolated me, didn't check on me, left me out, shunned me everywhere I was. YOU did this to me. I just couldn't take it in a world all alone anymore. One's spirit can only be beaten down so much then it dies and along with that death everything that may have ever been alive. YOU did this to me. Now I'm gone, out of your life, a footnote that will never be something you can admit to having anything to do with. To admit you isolated me and kept me alone and in darkness till I couldn't take anymore would make you have to take a long hard look at yourself. How you treat others. Is there another ME you're doing this too ?

It was YOU who did this to me. Now how does that make you feel ? DO you feel ?

It was YOU.