Monday, January 18, 2010
Never even made it outside-
Got up, took a shower, ate a sandwich, watched TV, sleep. What a pathetic wasted existence. Not a single call, not a single email, no words spoken to another human being. Even murderers in a federal prison have interaction with other human beings. This is the prison in my mind. The one that traps me in a continuing state of isolation. How many others are going through this and so many just keep spinning around going on with life and never knowing this type of pain. Dear God, would you just simply send me a short note telling me why it was me you chose for this and what good can come from it. If someone else gets to live without this isolation then I could feel it was worth it. I'm waiting God. Whenever you get a minute.
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I followed a link to your site from your comment on Goodlife Zen. You are not alone in your agonizing isolation. Reading your words was like hearing an echo of my own soul's torment: questioning the purpose of even being born into this life ... having times wondering what my own voice even sounds like because there was no reason to use it ... wondering what God's purpose could be in all of this ... feeling like I've missed my chance long ago in becoming who I might've been ... feeling as if it wouldn't affect the world one bit if I was absent from it.
ReplyDeleteIt is strange to think that, for a brief time in reading your words, I felt a moment of relief - that someone else understands what it's like. Yet, I felt a guilt in that. I wouldn't want ANYONE to go through this mental hell of "imprisonment without visible shackles".
However, I thought perhaps I could give you that same moment of relief in return - as a thank-you. Hear it as 'banging a tin cup on the bars of a shared prison'. I've heard your cries ... you are not alone .....
Laura I appreciate your voice from afar. I have known some people for 20 years who haven't bothered to contact me and here you are a complete stranger. Let me assure you that I know I am not alone and that there are likely more people in our position than ever cry out loud enough for us to hear. If you truly felt some sense of relief from knowing I am out here then it will all have been worth the effort to put my pain into words. My mom always told me in times like this to go out and help someone in some way and I would feel better. She was right. So thank you. I wish there was something else I could do. I will keep writing in the hopes someone else might find that same relief.
ReplyDeleteI also followed the link from Goodlife Zen. I read your posts and just wanted to drop a line to say hello! I've just recently moved from the suburbs to a small town in the country where I don't know anyone. I hope that things will change, though, for myself and for you and anyone else who is having a hard time. In the meantime, please, please hang in there. You could write a word that could change someone's life.
ReplyDeleteGood morning! Keep hanging in there.
ReplyDeleteI found your link through Goodlife Zen as well and am glad I am not alone. I feel the same way that you do. Sometimes I wake up, eat alone, spend my day alone and just sleep. I just wonder why I have to go through this. Why can't God help me? I know it feels hopeless and that the loneliness will never end. But I am still going to try to put myself out there and make friends (even though this is extremely difficult for me). I hope that you try to do the same. Go out and get some human interaction by joining a club, volunteering, or just sit in a library..anything! It will relieve some loneliness just knowing that there are people outside your door. People that can keep you company without them even knowing it. I think spending all day isolated alone really starts making you feel terrible and your mind just starts going into a dark place. I feel that way a lot when I don't see people all day. I hope that you are doing well and can find some peace. Sincerely, your friend.
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